You Can Go Back

 So, I guess you can go back. In this case, back is to my XXth high school reunion, back in suburban Rockland County, about 20 miles north of New York City. (You can tell from the photos we’re not 20-somethings!!)

Like many, the high school years were not the best. I was a nerd, not the most attractive looking, not good in sports, and overall lacking in self-confidence, particularly in social settings. Also, I’ve always been an urban creature, so these 6 years stranded in suburbia were not my favorites. I lacked mobility. Friends were so far away, that I didn’t see them outside of school.

Even in school, I was a bit of an outcast as a nerd, sometimes teased, and not really feeling I belonged.

So, why go back? Well, for the last few years, I had been thinking of the unincorporated hamlet I called home for only 6 years. I’m its facebook page and really have been enjoying the sharing of trivia and the history of the area with a number of the active participants. I was feeling the need to reconnect with that part of my roots, which included my high school class.

So, I got up the nerve and went. And, as it turned out, I do belong. Just didn’t always know it.

It was wonderful time! We had 4 hours in the function room, including a dinner and a DJ playing the hits of ’72. There was a little bit of dancing, but largely everyone just wanted to catch up and talk about those days. When 11 pm came and everyone was still chatting, we adjoined to the nearby hotel bar and put tables together and partied until 2 am.

Our time was unique and special and helped define some aspects of all of us. We were just a little past the “hippie age” in the ‘60s, but thankfully before the disco age later in the ‘70s. We still had bands, and not drum machines! Our songs included American Pie (overplayed!), Born to Be Wild, Layla, Brown Sugar, Imagine, Roundabout, Time in a Bottle, Down by the River, Agualung, Suzanne, You’re so Vain, Touch Me and School’s Out. Come to think of it, some of it downright depressing and not always great to dance to. And there was the story of being stuck on the dance floor during the 17-minute drum solo on Garden of Eden. Or wishing you had someone to dance with when they played Stairway to Heaven, which was a slow dance for the first 3 minutes, and then what do you do with the heavy part?

It was a time when we sought to go beyond the confines of our parents’ white, middle class life, and challenge the status quo in society and ourselves. Yes, it was a time when pot was everywhere in high schools and colleges, and some went on to harder stuff. We were not our parents’ generation by any stretch. We wanted to rebel and be ourselves.

I started high school as a conservative nerd, but left as a liberal more aligned with the “freaks” as that group of outcasts was known. (On the left is Kevin, a rebel and "freak" who had longer hair in the day and takes credit for “corrupting Susan and I! What happened our senior trip stayed on senior trip.) Overall, we all were transformed in one way or another. And then we went our separate ways.

Years past, and now we find ourselves seeking comfort in many of the trappings of our middle class lifestyles, from having decent employment to owning a home to being proud of our families in whatever form we find them. In many ways, we’ve become like our parents (but don’t ever say that to us!!) Our parents are aging; many of us have become their caregivers. Some of our parents have passed on. Our politics range across the spectrum.

We have changed, but, on this one evening we all belonged to our class. And in those few hours, we really felt 18 again and on senior trip.  Yes, you can go back.

Since When is 12 a "Plus Size"??

The New York Times Styles Section yesterday (Jan. 14, 2010) featured Crystal Renn, who, at size 12 is considered a "plus model." Plus model indeed! She looks rather "normal size" to me!!

When did size 12 become a plus size? When I hear "plus size" I think "fat!" But, consider that the average American women is a size 14. Is size 12 really "fat?"

Crystal was reported to be 5'-9" measuring 38C-30-42 and size 12. Apparently, in modeling -- dominated by like size 2 starving young women (some with bearly discernable busts) -- the cutoff is size 10. So, if your size 12 or bigger (fatter), your a "plus."

Now, this is personal because I'm also a size 12 (well, most of the time. sometimes I can fit into a 10, all depends on the cut). And I don't think I'm "fat." Well, maybe "big" but being 6' long and not anemic, I'm far from petite!

But I like "tall" or "long" better than "big" (or "fat").

My dimensions (40c-32-38) are kinda in the same ballpark as Crystal, but being taller, I have a few more pounds on my frame. And I'm more than twice her age, too! She is far more attractive, that I can admit.

But here's my question: at size 12, do I look like a "plus" or just "not bad for over 50!" -- what do you think?

What is Beauty?

The phenomenon of Susan Boyle singing on Britain's Got Talent brings back to focus a question close to my heart: What really is beauty?

In a previous blog, I asked What is Ugly? A New York Times article on Oct. 29, 2009 ("Move Over, My Pretty, Ugly Is Here ") examined how "beauty" and "ugliness" is defined with societies. Maybe folks have overdosed on the skinny, young, and pretty which left room for unlikely heroines like Ugly Betty.

But despite a few exceptions like Ugly Betty, the media gives us a constant stream of what is supposed to be "beauty." Be it on TV, in ads on web sites (particularly dating services), or pop music stars.

Freelance web writter Julie Neumann has a recent blog post "Flaws & Fame: Susan Boyle vs. French Elle Magazine" which is a wonderful examination on the issues of beauty and body image, especially for women.

Interestingly, she notes that because Susan Boyle sang so beautifully, people take away the lesson "you can't just a book by the cover." But Julie also asks, what is Susan did not sing so well? What is her singing was ordinary or even bad? Would everyone just laugh at Susan and consider her of no particular value?

That is the saddest reflection I've heard.

Why do we have this societal idea that the beautiful are admired and have value, and that the ugly are avoided and have little value? This is what is closest to me. Having never had great looks, in the past I've tended to "stay in the shadows" and be less social, assume a lower social standing, and generally view myself as less interesting than the beautiful and popular. However, the joy of middle age is becoming unencumbered by these value systems and gaining confidence in your professional and other abilities. And just not really giving a shit about what people think about you.

But my point is not to focus on me. My concern is that so many will devalue others who do not possess what society defines as beauty. How many people are there that may not be the most attractive on the outside, yet have great talent, intelligence, and/or inner beauty.

And, are we not so much poorer for never knowing these people?

What is Ugly?

How do we define beauty or ugliness? Is it a universal standard or does it vary from culture to culture? Is it a point of view? Is it in the eye of the beholder? Or is it related to specific body features? Does "ugly" involve a disfigurement? How is beauty/ugliness related to one's weight or body shape?

Reading the lead article of the New York Times Style section on Thursday (10/30/08) "Move Over, My Pretty, Ugly Is Here," got me thinking.

You see, not only am I tall, and apparently a nerd, but for looks, let's say it's quite not a winning hand. Not that I'd be considered hideous, just a bit homely.

But luckily I can make up in brains what I may lack in looks. And now that I’m living in the neighborhood of middle age, I'm finally over the low self-esteem born in adolescence, when you know exactly where you stand in the pecking order of attractiveness.

Still, I must say I chose MyBlogLog over, say Facebook, because I wanted to be known for my words and thoughts, and not for what I may look like. That's also why I chose a cute avatar to represent my inner self-confidence and put a better face foward.

As I think back to adolescence it was like a domino effect of social segregation. From an early age, the more attractive tend to become the more popular, gaining more friends and social skills. The less attractive, especially if they're shy (like me), tend to fade to the background in social settings, less likely to reach out and make friends. Isolation can lead to depression and doubts about self-worth. Lack of confidence keeps you from putting your best face forward.

This effects both girls and boys. And it can take years to overcome it.

For me, having success in my profession helped a lot. In engineering, appearance and personality are generally less important; what matters to the boss is if you what you're doing and get the job done efficiently. In fact, as I think of all the competent engineers I know, there are both men and women who span the range of body shapes and appearances -- and they generally get along with each other.

The TV show "Ugly Betty" has brought the issue of appearance to prime time. The title character is also a bit homely, yet it doesn't hold her back. She too finds success at work which raises her self-esteem. And there is a related campaign to improve the self image and self confidence particularly of adolescent girls by de-emphasizing appearance.

Amazingly, even people we might find attractive have been through tough times when they were teased about their looks. Sometimes it was cultural. Someone who might have been considered unattractive in her native country, may be consider quite attractive in another culture.

On the other hand, love can overcome other aspects of appearance. The beloved is always seen as attractive. To a mother, her child is alway precious, even is she/he is a bit homely. And as couples grow old together, their appearance change with the addition of wrinkles and weight, or the loss of hair, but, through the eyes of love, they may still see each other as attractive and desirable.

It really seems that appearance is really a matter of viewpoint. Beauty and ugliness are really in the eyes of the beholder.

Now can you find a somewhat homely, aging blogger in the lineup below?